The last few days I have felt myself backsliding mentally what with quitting my job and a mixture of other less than delightful happenings. But today it happened. For the first time in about 3 or so years I having?… a panic attack. The manic pixie girls of the world have romanticized this episodic, and lets be honest, crippling emotional occurrence. But honestly fuck them because this isn’t some “Lana del Ray and cheap wine cries” type shit.


I don’t know about you or how you process or feel panic. I’m not going to assume that you have ever had a panic attack because I don’t want that for you, ever. But I’m going to do my best to describe what happens and offer some help just in case you ever need it. Before I begin I need to say that my panic attacks usually start in my sleep and yes that is a fresh level of weird hell and that yours may start or be triggered by a number of things or even nothing. It isn’t your fault, please remember that. Being overly stimulated to the point of panic happens far more often than anyone wants to admit because no one wants be seen as weak. You aren’t broken. Think of it as a physical manifestation of “the straw that broke the camels back” (that poor camel).



Symptoms (this will vary but below are common ones) :

Quick shallow breaths

Sudden restlessness

Feeling smothered

Tense muscles

Hyper fixation on an item, movement, or point in space

Sensitivity to light and/or sound

Conflicting need to be with someone but to be in abject solitude

Irrational/disordered thoughts

Inability to will yourself into motion or action or inability to stop moving


It sucks as much as it sounds and the above is in no way an exhaustive list. It is difficult to explain to those on the outside looking in how it feels for your headquarters to suddenly shut down and your brain and body going into a silent revolt about different things. Because all of a sudden now you’re hungry, extremely thirsty, anxious, have to use the bathroom, everything hurts but you can’t really feel anything. Panic attacks are your entire existence up on it’s end for a brief period of time. Although the brevity is a joke when you’re in the midst of one.


Image result for attacked meme


The one I experienced this morning was more intense than I have had before and took quite a bit to quell. Sometimes I can sleep through it but today was not going to be that easy. But the steps I have used, some of which I employed today, are below and can be used together or apart to help calm you:


Calming Panic:

Identify what is wrong- please do not skip this one even if it isn’t a detailed analysis give yourself something to grasp

Lower the temperature in your room or lie on a cool floor

Recite something basic like a poem or your address to ground your mind

draw your blinds/window treatments for a little while

have something to drink preferably flavored to have something to at least subconsciously consider

Turn on a fan or white noise machine

If it works for you pick an ASMR video that is sound only. I’d recommend this one by WhispersRed ASMR

 Lay under heavy blankets or weighted if you have one- this can give the feeling of security



This isn’t a race. Recovering from a panic attack can take time and practice to find out what really works to help you navigate to calmer waters. Be easy on yourself and do what you can until you feel better.

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You read that right! My waistline stunted on me unexpectedly this morning from the depths of gnarly bloat and overall diet debauchery. An overall shocker for me because over the last two years (suspiciously coinciding with when I started my current job) my ability to maintain a low weight has been completely destroyed ?. Paired with low energy and frequent “burn out” from working things have been a lumpy, savory, slope.

I can admit that at a few points over the last couple years emotional eating has been a coping mechanism. You do what you can to make it to tomorrow, right? I take responsibility that it has been a mental thing and I am investing time and money to make sure medically I am not up against something else (hypothyroidism, I’ll update you guys when I know). Not good and not feeling good enough. Yep, I didn’t feel good enough to work out. Not that I was physically ill, but that I didn’t deserve to go through a process to better myself physically. I failed because I let myself get here (the goose down pillow that I was seeing in the mirror) and I deserved that. I still struggle with it but I can identify the feeling and the signs of my impending resistance and work around them. I have been known to force myself into the gym by taking my pre-workout. Some of you are laughing now because you understand how weirdly effective that method is and for those who have never taken it….you DO NOT want to sit idly whilst pre-workout courses through your system. Imagine having to sit still during your absolute favorite song- no singing, dancing, foot tapping, NOTHING. Boom, you now know what it feels like to be on the preworkout crazy train.


Today I am having myself a genuine smile and private dance party because ya know what? It isn’t that bad. I started going to the gym in November-ish and was able to lose ten pounds by Christmas. I was afraid since I had fallen off the wagon the weight would come after me like Ray Donovan. I could feel my tracker staring holes into my skull for not firing it up and hitting all of its, what can only be called sadistic, goals faithfully. I haven’t been a slave to fitness and unrealistic goals. And I have said all this to say that fitness isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. There are a lot of holes in the process. The biggest one? Knowing that your brain chemicals are just as important as your metabolic ones.

Unball your fist, I am not saying “mind over matter” I am saying something completely different all together. Your mind can CAUSE the matter. We are souls with bodies. A little bit of universe contained in human form for just a little bit. There is so much more to us than macros, bulking, or that perfect lotus position. Your personal stars have to be aligned as much as the ones in the heavens to hit that potential. But the mechanics of that are unique to you. I am guilty of putting forth immense amounts of energy towards external, environmental, factors without any regard to how I am processing and handling it. Because usually, I’m not. At least not in an effective way. Which in turn has led me to internalize, bottle up, beat myself up. Those neglectful acts reflecting in my choices to not care for me.

Fast forward to this morning, to my waist awakening. I’ve been happier lately and more comfortable in my skin after a period of reclusivity. I dealt with things and dumped the ones that no longer served me in a reciprocative and positive manner. I also let my emotions flow how they have to because damming them up causes some SERIOUS bad juju for me. Hocus pocus or not, my body is in a positive flux of response. Clearer skin, less digestive upset, increased daily endurance, mental clarity. For me, that kicks ass and speaks volumes.

Eat good. Treat yourself as good you did that ex who didn’t ever deserve you. Be well.



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Introverts aren’t antisocial, nervous, dweeblings. They like small groups and intimate interaction from experience with a few.

Since y’all “new year new me”-ing take the time to understand the difference between Asocial and ANTIsocial. Because you’re misusing the latter due to unfamiliarity with the former.

Asocial- indifference to or lack of motivation towards social interaction

ANTIsocial- hostile and antagonistic toward society. May engage in behavior that disrespects or violates the rights of others.

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It is very much okay to disengage sometimes. Below are some things that I have found are therapeutic and calming that aren’t always considered self care:

  • ceasing reading/ watching the news
  • not hanging out with certain people
  • not answering every phone call
  • leave some messages unanswered
  • logging off social media
  • Napping
  • washing all bed linens and making it up fresh
  • tea
  • audiobooks (this was a hard sell for me but I totally get it now)
  • ASMR is you are one that is triggered
  • a long drive
  • a long, hot, shower
  • Verbalizing your wants
  • Refusing things that make you feel like you’re going out of your way
  • taking a walk
  • curling up under your favorite blanket
  • taking time to do your makeup/hair
  • air drying after bathing
  • watching crappy movies
  • documenting your day (journaling, planner, etc)
  • adding candlelight to your surroundings
  • finishing all those small to do’s
  • deleting all those unread emails
  • uninstalling work related things from your personal devices
  • put your phone on do not disturb for a few hours
  • invest in nice sleepwear and/or underwear
  • moisturize yourself thoroughly
  • invest some time in your hobby regardless of your skill level (practice makes perfect)
  • do nothing. seriously. just veg out every once in awhile
  • drink some water
  • declutter
  • masturbate
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Take this as my State of Self Address. Perhaps one of many, maybe an army of one. If it seems I have changed, know you are not mistaken. It is my right to do so but also a necessity to maintain the light that resides within. If you feel I have reached out to you, moved away from you, come to your aid, given or retracted my support….I HAVE.

Two years in the making and now dawn is here. It has broken over my life much as the sun blazes its fiery arrival across an early morning sky. I need, I feel, I want, and I will emote. There is beauty and breath of life in the process- trial, tribulation, perseverance, resolution, release. Help is not shameful it is a gentle lacing of carry on drizzled over the whole of a soul that is pulled taut with doing it all alone. If I need you, you will know now. If the sun isn’t as bright today I will not flex my Michelangelo to make it so for the benefit of others. The tourniquet, the flow impeding barrier that is the never ending want from others, is undone. It got me nowhere fast.

If you’re reading this, find your own happiness. Because I’m too busy working on my own to carry you through life. If it sucks, change it. If you hate it, stop doing it. Want it? Take it. Yep, that sounds exactly like those motivational posters and speeches. I constantly live it. It is much, much easier to throw in the towel and give up. Blame someone else for my inability to achieve. I did myself a favor by starting to own my part in situations. It breeds a habit in you of shutting the hell up and working harder. I’m about my business and minding my business….I’ve seen quite a bit of success since.

My phone is quiet. Facebook messages pretty bare. I go out rarely. My bills are paid, I sleep well at night, I bought a new car, and the relationships I have invested in wholeheartedly are flourishing. Only reach for me if you have something to contribute. If friendship is a business deal as much as a soul pact to grow the holiness of being oneself. Let’s exchange soup recipes and business plans, dreams and honest opinions about politics, advice on professional development and new musical muses. I want to be the TIME Freshman class-something to offer the world, offer others, provide for myself.

Support. Grow. Connect. Or kick rocks, cool?

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Boundaries Post



We are taught that you are not supposed to throw people away or impose rules over how and in what manner they can approach you. Taught that if something is going wrong in any type of relationship you should volunteer your mental health and emotional bank account to rectify it.

That’s wrong. It takes a long time to unlearn but it is well worth it. People are in your life for reasons and seasons. Audit your personal interactions and see where you stand. Is that emotionally expensive friend worth it? Do you REALLY want to meet their parents? No? Guess what? You’re not obligated to continue with the charade. Yes, for awhile you’ll feel guilty but for the rest of your life you’ll feel free.

Now this is not to say that anytime there is trouble in the proverbial paradise you should mic drop and dip. In light of that I want to introduce you to a mechanism so powerful and revolutionary it cannot even be monetized! What is this miraculous thingamajig you ask? BOUNDARIES. Yep, good ole “stay in your lane and mind your damn business” juice. Take note this is infinitely harder than telling someone to kick the bricks.

Setting boundaries and communcation go hand in hand in every aspect of life. You wouldn’t let that slack mouth coworker of yours question your life decisions, why are you letting your wife’s mother? That single parent friend who insists they are the oracle of child rearing….the best friend that really is just a slack ass mooch. Any of these sound familiar to you? There is everything right with letting these individuals in your life know that although you respect their right to have an opinion you aren’t obligated to care. Right after that let them know you are more than happy to make cuts to the team if they aren’t trying to help the cause (the cause being your journey to success and your happiness). Sit back and watch how they switch up.

We love the people we surround ourselves with, hence them being called loved ones. But make sure that loved one loves you and isn’t the one clapping when you fall down. No one in your ranks should hold you back, harm your spirit, or try to shake your peace….



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I hope you’re okay today. Who ever you are. I wish nothing but good things for you and want you to keep faith and high expectation in the good that is to come for you. Also the minute you woke up this morning, you were enough. For anyone. For everyone. You’re enough. Someone hears you. Although it may not be obvious, there is someone somewhere looking up to you. Cheering you on. There are at least 3 things you can be thankful for today, find solace and rejoice in that if your day has been troubled. Good vibes to you.



Lily Trill

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I’ve come across more people in the last few years that have been subject to someone with this type of personality. I thought it was just me, just not being enough for my mother. Not being enough as a human. I am hesitant to slap a title on something, as loosely as they are used these days. But this particular subject has merit and gravitas for those who know the person this describes. Below I have included both the Mayo Clinic definition and the one from the DSM-IV. Please keep in mind this is an actual mental condition. An evaluation by a trained professional is necessary to assess one for this disorder. Keep in mind, how someone treats you says more about them than it does about you. -Hope


By Mayo Clinic Staff

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of ultraconfidence lies a fragile self-esteem that’s vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial affairs. You may be generally unhappy and disappointed when you’re not given the special favors or admiration you believe you deserve. Others may not enjoy being around you, and you may find your relationships unfulfilling.

Narcissistic personality disorder treatment is centered around talk therapy (psychotherapy).



A. A pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).

2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.

3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).

4. Requires excessive admiration.

5. Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.

6. Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.

7. Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.

The essential features of a personality disorder are impairments in personality (self and interpersonal) functioning and the presence of pathological personality traits. To diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, the following criteria must be met:

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by:

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Excessive reference to others for self-definition and self-esteem regulation; exaggerated self-appraisal may be inflated or deflated, or vacillate between extremes; emotional regulation mirrors fluctuations in self-esteem.

b. Self-direction: Goal-setting is based on gaining approval from others; personal standards are unreasonably high in order to see oneself as exceptional, or too low based on a sense of entitlement; often unaware of own motivations.


2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others; excessively attuned to reactions of others, but only if perceived as relevant to self; over- or underestimate of own effect on others.

b. Intimacy: Relationships largely superficial and exist to serve self-esteem regulation; mutuality constrained by little genuine interest in others‟ experiences and predominance of a need for personal gain

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domain:

1. Antagonism, characterized by:

Grandiosity: Feelings of entitlement, either overt or covert;



8. Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her.

9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.


self-centeredness; firmly holding to the belief that one is better than others; condescending toward others.

b. Attention seeking: Excessive attempts to attract and be the focus of the attention of others; admiration seeking.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations.

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual‟s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment.

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual‟s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

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As of right now I can officially say that I am overstimulated x 10. A lot has happened and is happening in the last week and next week. I’ve found that I am not doing the best job at processing the experiences that are coming.

My dad was hospitalized yesterday afternoon and then had emergency surgery today to rectify a bladder issue. Thankfully he is fine. Didn’t get back until well after 1 am though. But per usual the roughest part; him being combative, having to help clean him up and all the blood; I was alone at the hospital dealing with alongside the staff of the ED. My mother only showed up after it got serious, but not before she made a point to tell me I sounded like a crazy person who needed a pill. The mean spiritedness never fails to seep from her even in the most stressful situations.

I am trying to move this weekend into a better place (yay for no gunshots and shitty leasing unprofessionals) but let it be known you’ll know who your real friends are when you need to make a residential move. Need truck and some help heavy lifting, but it’s either $100+ for 4 pieces (bed, large chair, etc) or a noncommittal answer from the person who actually owns a truck.

Not to mention the people from my past flooding in. Facebook, Instagram, random texts….People I don’t have contact with for a reason. Never fails to amaze me., in that shaking your head/disbelief/wtf kind of way.

I have a hundred things I need to get done and on the other hand know that I need to unwind and recharge. But that is so much easier said than done when all 100 things are vying for first place. Hopefully tonight I get a little peace and fun, as well as some restful uninterrupted sleep.

Sending happy vibes to everyone, and if you have any to spare I’d sure appreciate them.



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There are few things more frustrating than circumstances being rough and they have nothing to do with you, but directly effect you due to how they are effecting someone else. It is in essence being asked of you to be two sides of yourself simultaneously. Be understanding and supportive but be upset and confused because you don’t understand why you’re being treated less than desirably. It isn’t you. And fuck it all if that isn’t the precise thing that enrages you. IT ISN’T EVEN YOU. You’re the beautiful thing in the situation and there is perhaps a thought that it’s protecting you…to keep you from the bad times without any recognition of your want and desire to be there regardless. Because regardless, in and of itself, is one of the most mind bending concepts in human relationships. It’s rare. Someone who is capable of “regardless” with another, that is terrifying for everyone involved. Until the moment that they get it, the other person accepts and understands that regardless you’re ready. Maybe that’s when the axis tilts, when I get there I’ll let everyone know. Current feeling is a slow motion fall where you are able to see all the outcomes possible when you finally land… happy vibes and prayers to landing where my heart wants to be.

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