You always want to put the best face forward. At least that is something that I have always been told….”fix your makeup, hide the crazy, people are watching you” Miranda Lambert’s “Mama’s Broken Heart” comes to mind often when things go awry. I will attribute that conditioning to the region in which I grew up. Picture it- rural southern US upbringing, with a gentle hearted, phalanderin’, Daddy and a straight backed put up or shut up Momma who ain’t give a shit about your feelings and taught you exactly how amazing you are. Slap me somewhere in there. This here preface seems maybe a bit unnecessary, nostalgic or heehaw fairytale but shut up and give it a minute. Ya gotta know this to understand what comes next.
Don’t ever assume because you can’t see something…produce tangible evidence of its physical existence… it isn’t there. Lacerations, orbital fractures, and busted noses get the point across without any questions. Walk out upright, on your own, bereft of emergency services and you find out that somehow it is your fault for what has transpired against you. Your own parent will twist that knife for you. At least mine did.
Love is only as strong as the person receiving it.
Two years and seven months, culminated into fifteen minutes at 4am on a Wednesday morning, the last day of February 2018. When asked what in life changes you, people say a number of things: child birth, marriage, buying a home…. But I’d personally like to move for having the end of your life detailed to you by someone who moments before were telling you they wanted to marry you. That will change you. Having someone tell you “I will fucking kill you…cut your fuckin face off- do you know who I am?!” or how they have a few friends who can “make you disappear”. Law enforcement won’t help because “he hasn’t done anything yet”. And then you make the decision that you will walk out of this situation no matter what it takes. Save yourself.
Think Twice Act Once
4:05 AM this ends now.
4:07 AM see you on the other side come hell or high water- no matter what I’ll see me on the other side.
4:12 AM his surprise has turned into fear and confusion
4:13 AM you feel the heat of your own rage playing first chair to your voice that now emanates from you as though God herself is amplifying your existence as you issue the single deadliest promise of your life.
4:15…silence penetrates the air as you wait for whatever comes next
It never does. That next thing. It never will come. Because no one puts Baby in the fuckin corner. Ever. Cuz the funny thing about love is that nothing can overcome it.. accept the will to live. No one loves anything more than their unalienable right to exist.
Not everyone has the same heart as you
Why didn’t I see this coming? Weren’t there signs? Sure, maybe there were. I won’t argue that with you. With that in mind though, let’s revisit my upbringing. I am not the first, nor will I be the last, woman to have been taught and shown that you work shit out. Keep your business YOUR BUSINESS and work it out. You don’t quit on people or relationships. You made this bed now lie in it. Do more. Try harder. Cook. Clean. Are you building them up? Have you tried talking about it? Lose some weight. This sounds like your fault, I know how you can be. At first it made sense. I am lacking somewhere. It must be true, my mother is seeing this in me. I am not doing enough to make this situation and lifestyle as good as it could be. False connections are made and hyper sensitivity set in. Introspection became self criticism and sadness. I would’ve done anything to improve this whilst the other player never had any intention of doing anything outside of under perform. I want to succeed and grow. Prospering comes in a multi faceted stone attainable by us all. But know that the gold of your heart can inspire both admiration and jealousy. The more I opened myself the more disappointed I became. I was trying to love, care, provide, away poor personal makeup.
Little did I know that what I saw and how I absorbed at home is only different from this man in one way- content of the lesson.
More of you will never be enough if it was never valued to begin with
What is bred into someone, nurtured, neglected…it will always exist. No matter what language you learn to convey the idea, the simple construct of unconditional expression of care, it won’t be received by someone who has no ability to receive it. Giving of myself to the point of emotional bankruptcy, poor health (mental and otherwise) is never worth it. Not because it carries no value but because I cannot force someone else to value me the way I value me. That is where I erred and I implore you to learn from me and side step it. Set your price. Set it high. Non negotiable. We increase in worth please know you are worth so much and will only become more precious with time. Is what I would’ve said to myself if I had known. Love is wonderful until it requires improvement to continue.
The grass is always going to be greener under me
I am a complete person. I was the day I was born. I will runneth over when the sun sets on my time here. I will never again live my life in an apologetic cadence to create comfort for others.. My heights and my depths are my own and at no point is anyone entitled to access to either. I will cry more. I will be apprehensive of newer relationships. I will commit to letting fear teach me. My promise to myself is to continue becoming fluent in the beautiful love language that is myself. My soul is endless and my ability boundless. I never fell out of love with me and fighting for it was the price to remember.
This is the confession of a woman who fought back.
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