I Quit

I quit my job this morning and I’m scared, anxious, and worried. I hate feeling like this but I know that feeling better comes with time. I know that the hardest part of trusting the process is setting it in motion.
Two years, 3 months, and I quit. I am not saying this triumphantly nor am I saying it sadly. Right now it is merely a statement of fact. The tears well up and dissipate every few minutes or so and I side step the catches of breath pretty smoothly. I am not mourning my job (maybe my paycheck a bit) but I am feeling that “wtf have I done and what am I going to do next” pressure. Everything will be okay, I know this. The choice I made was a good one for me but for now overwhelmed is the prevailing feel.  I am positively overflowing with things to say but in the same instance I realize none of them are ready to be shared because I’m not sure which words to use. But I want to make this very clear for anyone on the edge:

IT IS OK TO LEAVE A BAD SITUATION.

Even if it is not immediately it is important that you take stock of every interaction and relationship that puts you in a less than YOU state of mind. Those people, moments, jobs, websites, that take your inner dialogue out of character GOTS TA GO. It has taken me a year to lay down the gauntlet and realize that “hanging in there” isn’t worth it. You gain nothing from leaving yourself in a situation that requires a sacrificial ritual of your mental health and soul to get through. Because at the end of the day all you will be left with is a shell of who you were when you woke up and no closer to where you thought you ought to be. I’m not quite sure I got this across earlier but I didn’t quit my job to “pursue my dreams”. If only it were that fantastical and innocent. I quit because everyday was more of a struggle. Crying myself to work on the highway, going through bouts of not wanting to eat, feeling defeated and devalued as a professional and really, really, really, bad sleep…a typical week in review.  I didn’t notice these things until it was pretty far along because I was busy making excuses that somehow the problem was me and not that I worked in a hell hole. Because fuck all if I wasn’t going to “stick it out” for that coveted financial security and stability that a decent job can provide….a scam.

We aren’t always going to be happy but we damn sure don’t have to be miserable 40 hours a week. Ya’ll please take care of yourselves. I mean that loudly and consistently. TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAMN SELF. Self care and protection of your mental health is not just a face mask and mimosa’s or 2k and a fresh fade. Sit with yourself and listen. I am saying this from a place of experience and concern because I know what it is like to be trapped in what society says is good and it be the most toxic thing you’ve done lately. Sometimes you have to close the door so that other ones can open for you. That’s cliché af but sometimes rocking the boat is the only way you’re going to create the wave that carries you to the next shore.

Stay afloat babies and rage on,
Lily

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